Mixed Emotions about Mixed-Media

I'll warn you...this is one of those blog posts that is really self-indulgent and used for my own need to document (as they all are). I won't be disappointed if you don't read it. As my friend Bob would say, "it's a brain dump."

I've been walking around with that twinge of guilt in the back of my head..."you really should be doing this, you should be doing that, you aren't doing enough, you are doing too much, you should be blogging about doing this, you should be blogging about not doing that, you should be blogging about your experience...end of story."

The reality is that I probably am...NO, I am doing the best I can. I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I feel pretty alone and isolated right now, but I know these thoughts and feelings are shared by so many about so many things. However, I feel like I have been doing a real dis-service to myself by not documenting what I've been up to, what I have been experiencing in this journey, both positive and negative. 

This isn't meant to be a downer of a post, it's meant to be the truth about the reality in my head. I know that the reality in one's head isn't often the same as reality, but it's something to be confronted and dealt with anyway. 

So I've struggled with making the time to document a lot of events and experiences in this journey. Tired of beating myself up, I've decide to make this time during my lunch break today. So what have I been up to?:

Melanie's show at CCC!

• Puppet Shadowing: Thank you to puppeteer and storyteller, Melanie Zimmer, for allowing me to assist and talk with you before and after your show at CCC's Cool Kids event in March. Shortly after I started my journey, I realized there would be a puppet show right in town and I promptly contacted her. I recognize I'm in this big information gathering stage and I need as much inspiration and connection to other puppeteers as possible right now. It was inspiring to meet with her and consider a lot of different aspects of performing including sets, lights, music, and using different ways to engage an audience of young children. I felt like I was back in my old job at the Aesthetic Education Institute again coordinating arts residencies and performances, and ooooh, how I miss that. Thank you, Melanie, and a shout out for Steve Appleton from Cool Kids who I reconnected with after 10 years. He's created a really amazing life, and creates so many fantastic experiences for learners of all ages in upstate NY. 
•  Whine and Critique: I am also thankful for my inspiring friends (namely Bridget Bossart Van Otterloo) who have supported and encouraged me in this journey. Last week she hosted a Whine and Critique inviting local artists into her home to share their work with each other. That was the first time I ever really presented my work/puppets to anyone in person and my personal response to it was unsettling. I am very comfortable presenting and teaching, but the force and power I have in my delivery this time felt different. I felt like I became shy (which is a relative term because it may not have been perceived that way). I noticed I didn't feel fully present and in this comfortable and powerful zone that I get into when teaching/presenting. I think the only word for it is "vulnerable" although that wasn't exactly what it felt like to me. I just didn't feel present in my power. While everyone was very receptive, I didn't really get any feedback and that was disappointing. However, I LOVED supporting and learning from others about their work. Everyone there was in the visual artist realm, mainly painting or photography. I felt very lonely after, realizing I really needed to be in a community of people doing more of what I'm doing who I can learn from and talk with about the interdisciplinary facets of puppetry. I don't really know where to find that unless I go somewhere else, and I don't feel ready to do that yet. 

Development of ACT ONE: Sasha and the Pearl. The parents are nearly finished and Sasha now has hair!

• Workshops and Opportunities: In response to the feelings I had from the Whine and Critique I really thought about what I needed to do. My upcoming trip to Bread and Puppet seems too far away, and I need support and inspiration soon. I thought about signing up for some workshops in Toronto but the thought of making that logistically happen right now stresses me out. Self-indulgent sigh!
• What I am loving right now: Glazing coffee cups and thinking of amazingly creative ideas! I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday (thanks Don, John, Bonnie, Dad, Erin, and Jeff) who let me be honest with my feelings yesterday. I hate those self-indulgent moments of crying and am loathing myself as I write this self-indulgent blog post. I've been stressing about all of the aforementioned. What some of it comes down to is that I've been conflicted about how all the time and money I have been spending in the 171 pottery studio lately and if I needed to give that up in order to invest my time/money puppetry. 

Pre-Fired Glazing on Mugs. 

Inspired by and created for Bridget!

Helped me come to my realization last night. This one is inspired by and for Bonnie.

The answer for now: I spent 2.5 hours glazing a cup at the 171 studio last night and I never felt so good doing it. That's where I want to spend my energy for the next few months. Perhaps I need to re-shift my perspective...is it about becoming a puppeteer or is my desire to be an artist/creative being the goal? I think we know the answer to that. And yes, puppetry is still in my plans...but it's only part of it.