Mixed Emotions about Mixed-Media

I'll warn you...this is one of those blog posts that is really self-indulgent and used for my own need to document (as they all are). I won't be disappointed if you don't read it. As my friend Bob would say, "it's a brain dump."

I've been walking around with that twinge of guilt in the back of my head..."you really should be doing this, you should be doing that, you aren't doing enough, you are doing too much, you should be blogging about doing this, you should be blogging about not doing that, you should be blogging about your experience...end of story."

The reality is that I probably am...NO, I am doing the best I can. I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I feel pretty alone and isolated right now, but I know these thoughts and feelings are shared by so many about so many things. However, I feel like I have been doing a real dis-service to myself by not documenting what I've been up to, what I have been experiencing in this journey, both positive and negative. 

This isn't meant to be a downer of a post, it's meant to be the truth about the reality in my head. I know that the reality in one's head isn't often the same as reality, but it's something to be confronted and dealt with anyway. 

So I've struggled with making the time to document a lot of events and experiences in this journey. Tired of beating myself up, I've decide to make this time during my lunch break today. So what have I been up to?:

Melanie's show at CCC!

• Puppet Shadowing: Thank you to puppeteer and storyteller, Melanie Zimmer, for allowing me to assist and talk with you before and after your show at CCC's Cool Kids event in March. Shortly after I started my journey, I realized there would be a puppet show right in town and I promptly contacted her. I recognize I'm in this big information gathering stage and I need as much inspiration and connection to other puppeteers as possible right now. It was inspiring to meet with her and consider a lot of different aspects of performing including sets, lights, music, and using different ways to engage an audience of young children. I felt like I was back in my old job at the Aesthetic Education Institute again coordinating arts residencies and performances, and ooooh, how I miss that. Thank you, Melanie, and a shout out for Steve Appleton from Cool Kids who I reconnected with after 10 years. He's created a really amazing life, and creates so many fantastic experiences for learners of all ages in upstate NY. 
•  Whine and Critique: I am also thankful for my inspiring friends (namely Bridget Bossart Van Otterloo) who have supported and encouraged me in this journey. Last week she hosted a Whine and Critique inviting local artists into her home to share their work with each other. That was the first time I ever really presented my work/puppets to anyone in person and my personal response to it was unsettling. I am very comfortable presenting and teaching, but the force and power I have in my delivery this time felt different. I felt like I became shy (which is a relative term because it may not have been perceived that way). I noticed I didn't feel fully present and in this comfortable and powerful zone that I get into when teaching/presenting. I think the only word for it is "vulnerable" although that wasn't exactly what it felt like to me. I just didn't feel present in my power. While everyone was very receptive, I didn't really get any feedback and that was disappointing. However, I LOVED supporting and learning from others about their work. Everyone there was in the visual artist realm, mainly painting or photography. I felt very lonely after, realizing I really needed to be in a community of people doing more of what I'm doing who I can learn from and talk with about the interdisciplinary facets of puppetry. I don't really know where to find that unless I go somewhere else, and I don't feel ready to do that yet. 

Development of ACT ONE: Sasha and the Pearl. The parents are nearly finished and Sasha now has hair!

• Workshops and Opportunities: In response to the feelings I had from the Whine and Critique I really thought about what I needed to do. My upcoming trip to Bread and Puppet seems too far away, and I need support and inspiration soon. I thought about signing up for some workshops in Toronto but the thought of making that logistically happen right now stresses me out. Self-indulgent sigh!
• What I am loving right now: Glazing coffee cups and thinking of amazingly creative ideas! I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday (thanks Don, John, Bonnie, Dad, Erin, and Jeff) who let me be honest with my feelings yesterday. I hate those self-indulgent moments of crying and am loathing myself as I write this self-indulgent blog post. I've been stressing about all of the aforementioned. What some of it comes down to is that I've been conflicted about how all the time and money I have been spending in the 171 pottery studio lately and if I needed to give that up in order to invest my time/money puppetry. 

Pre-Fired Glazing on Mugs. 

Inspired by and created for Bridget!

Helped me come to my realization last night. This one is inspired by and for Bonnie.

The answer for now: I spent 2.5 hours glazing a cup at the 171 studio last night and I never felt so good doing it. That's where I want to spend my energy for the next few months. Perhaps I need to re-shift my perspective...is it about becoming a puppeteer or is my desire to be an artist/creative being the goal? I think we know the answer to that. And yes, puppetry is still in my plans...but it's only part of it.

Accepted!

Bread and Puppet postcard

I experienced this feeling in 1996 and again in 2004. I received a letter today after a month of waiting. Crafted in very Bread and Puppet fashion, "We'd like to invite you to participate in our apprenticeship program." Shortly after I realized my dreams, I decided to apply to one of three Bread and Puppet apprenticeship programs. I opted for the 2-week one so I could use vacation and not apply for a leave of absence from work. I can only imagine going before the college administration and the board of trustees asking them for extended leave to live in a commune for four weeks, but I would have seriously considered it if need be! I will be there from July 31 through August 13th, living in my element as a hippie puppeteer, learning and helping with their Friday and Sunday shows.

For those of you who don't know, Bread and Puppet isn't your traditional idea of puppetry or puppet theater. It's pretty unorthodox and the only competitive thing about them is getting into their apprenticeship program, because what liberal college student or person with free time who digs political puppetry wouldn't want to spend their summer this way? There were 15 slots in the 2-week program and I've now secured one.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I'll have no problem living in a tent for two weeks cooking organic food, composting, not showering and all around getting down with other smelly Bread and Puppet enthusiasts. Some know, but others don't know that I have worked with Bread and Puppet before, and others know that one of my biggest "regrets" was choosing not to take the Program Manager position I was enthusiastically offered at Spiral Q puppetry in Philly in 2002. I was 21ish and wanted to move to Boston, even though that was my dream job at the time.

I worked with Bread and Puppet on a community performance and week-intensive arts residency for a youth outreach program I managed while finishing my undergraduate degree in Rochester, NY (circa 2002). I hired artists to work with at-risk youth in the inner city for several weeks surrounding this arts camp. That was a challenging program and week in the lives of all who were involved! There were soooo many obstacles that these students had to overcome to attend each day. It was a lesson in perseverance and transformation, and I can’t think of anything deeper or more meaningful for the staff, volunteers and students to experience. It was definitely one of the hardest weeks of my life, but totally worth seeing everyone pull it together by Friday afternoon's performance.


As I shared with Bread and Puppet in my application letter "I now need to be a student in the non-traditional sense. I know the arts communicate, educate, and inspire social change and humanity more to me and many than any other vehicle. Bread and Puppet embraces this and has, by far, led this charge."


So hooray! Thanks for all your encouragement and support! This is just the beginning of my adventure.

Dreams, Distractions, Doodles and Hairstyling!

If anyone is paying attention out there, I've been slacking on my blog and maybe a bit on my artistic dreams. I'll just be honest and say that I have been a little distracted, as indicated by doodles representing a certain individual (versus puppet sketches). This is how it happens...as soon as you let go of certain ideas/dreams and decide to totally be yourself...some really amazing bro comes along and challenges that. True story. I mean this is a good way, and I am thankful for all of his support and patience as I figure out how to reconcile these two amazing dreams that were realized within a week of each other. <3

I have been reading through the Sasha and the Pearl script over the last few weeks and feverishly jotting down various ideas for setting, character, and sound. Tonight is the first night in a while that I actually sat in my studio between loads of laundry and other things. I started with some crude sketches of the first few scenes, and hope some puppet making will commence this weekend. In the meantime, I heart watercolor pencils. I am pretty sure I want to make the show (if possible) a good mix of puppet techniques. e.g. I think it would work well if Sasha's parents in one room were depicted as silhouette or shadow puppets, while Sasha is a 3D rod puppet. At this point, I think I am going to use one of my sculpted heads for Sasha.

Sasha's parents (left) as Shadow Puppets with Sasha sitting up in bed.

Sasha and the Fairy...wish, wish, wishing for magic stones.

I still need to learn to sew (other than hand stitch) so it seemed logical to start thinking about hair. My sister has bins of amazing yarn in our attic that she said I could use. Thank you, Schister Annie! I found a few shades of brown with various textures. I'm in the stage of "gathering" the yarn, and plan to install and trim the hair once I have the face finished. However, it was fun to experiment and I really didn't think I'd feel so jazzed about playing with yarn. I loved how the three types are yarn look together.

Unfortunately that's all I had time for tonight. I wanted to update this blog and actually have to do work work this evening and try to get into bed so I can commit to my running goals. So many goals...so little time to sleep if I want to accomplish them. Good night!

Puppetry is the Interdisciplinary Art Form

Phew! That was a close one. For a second there I thought I lost my commitment. I felt stalled by my wonderful life this past week (I'm smitten with it), still inspired with the intention to be creative...but not committing to the work of actually doing it. Some of this stalling had to do with the overwhelming idea of being a puppeteer. I stalled on the puppets I was making because I still don't know what their story is yet and where to go next.

Since I have started this blog (which was 8 days ago with a solo entry) I have received an amazing amount of encouragement and support, along with intriguing questions. The popular questions include where will I learn, what is my prior experience, etc, etc. However, one person asked the most obvious and important question:

Do I want to make puppets or perform with them? The answer is and most certainly has to be..."both, of course."

Creating puppets deeply satisfies my inherent tendency to draw, paint, and/or sculpt humans. When I sculpted those heads two weeks ago, I felt that my long-lasting affair with color and indulgent self-portraits had some greater purpose. I have never truly had the desire to depict landscapes or still life objects. When I do, I like painting crude symbolism in the background of a human subject or some bold, Fauvist landscape that would make a great background in a the Ballet Russe. That would also create a good stage in puppet theater.

I also have an unrequited love affair with modern dance. I fell in love with modern dance choreography while working at 171 Cedar Arts Center in 1999 (then under the artistic direction of the fabulous, Lois Welk, who also introduced me to the most amazing puppet show ever, The Star Keeper), coupled with very amateur studies in dance and dance history at SUNY Brockport. I'm an untrained dancer, but the aliveness I feel in my body when I move is captured oh so terrifically when manipulating puppets (especially bunraku, rod or shadow puppets).

While I admit that theater and theater people are incredibly annoying to me sometimes, I think some of that stems from the fact that I always lacked confidence and was too shy to engage in any form of it. In 6th grade, I timidly tried out and then immediately volunteered to be the lead makeup artist. Painting faces, painting puppets...same thing right? So in some ways, I get to act through a puppet and how cool is that!

I am not a musician and definitely not a singer, but I am an excellent collaborator and have a knack for sound sampling and sound effects. Any musicians out there want to collaborate with me someday?

Lastly, my favorite past time was reading General Hospital scripts out loud with my Aunt Jane in the "When I grow up I wan to be a soap opera star" nightgown she gave me when I was in elementary school. I was reminded this evening that I love reading scripts, and how powerful children's stories can be. Even bad children's stories can be outstanding if illustrated properly...and if they have any deeper message...power to the people! So for tonight's studio time, I opted to put the "creating" aside and do some research and reading on scripts. I decided I would pick a story or script and create from there over the next few months. The best part is...I can pull in some wonderful friends (I'm looking to you, Claudia B. and Susan L.) to create and perform this with me...just for the heck of it. It's good practice and great fun!

Stay tuned for some thumbnail sketches and developments. I found a cool puppet script that is free called Sasha and the Pearl tonight. Shortly after I read it, I started reading it out loud and drew some inspiration from some of my friend's unique and charming voices. Jen B., I stole your voice as Sasha. I also became visually inspired thinking about all the mixed media I could use. I thought a lot about how I could use light and perhaps image overlays with perhaps an LCD projector. It may call for a mix of rod and shadow puppetry, and lots of fun Fauvist paintings on cardboard boxes.

So this blog isn't visually stimulating tonight so I'll encourage you one more time to check out this Star Keeper clip.

I'm going for it, I guess?

Where do I really start on this journey of documentation? Maybe I should state why I am creating this blog in the first place, what I hope to get out of it, and then I'll eventually tell my stories about how this blog came to be.  Perhaps those that read or support me will follow along in this whole process.

Purpose of this blog: To document my transition (and hopeful transformation) from being a 9-5 higher education administrator into a full-time artist and puppeteer.

What I hope to get out this blog: I want to commit to my dreams, and having a forum/space for feedback and reflection as I embark on them seems like good evidence of that. I am in a new chapter of my life, one I feel I have been waiting for a long time for. How could I not want to indulge myself in an opportunity to document and share my growth, fears, dreams, and success?

Who should read this?: Honestly, this is for me right now, but I feel that making my dreams public will only help me keep my word on things more (even if no one is paying attention). If you want to offer feedback on the work I post, offer guidance and support, live vicariously through me, or perhaps find inspiration from this...then this is for you too.

Here's a little background for now: I'm 33 now and can only do the "responsible" thing so much longer. I have a GREAT job with GREAT people in my hometown (which I chose to move back to 3 years ago), and I have a GREAT life here! Yes, I am this positive and really do feel that way. So here's the big BUT....when I am asked what I do by others, my thought and sometimes truthful response is "What I do has little to do with who I am."

I can't say that that's entirely the truth. I do my best to be my abundant self and bring creativity in where I can. BUT the reality is...the work that I do provides me a stable life and profile. Right now, it financially supports my side artistic pursuits and "hobbies" and also sucks up way too much time from doing those very things that I love.

It's taken me years but I'll say it now with a confident yet frightened heart....My name is Monica and I'm an artist. I admit it. I can't deny myself the self-indulgent pleasure of creating and experiencing life without it anymore. Believe me, I've been very good at shutting it out for several years now.

So I'm in the process of figuring out what I need to do in the next year to make this really happen.

• I'm carving out and committing to studio time for pottery, painting, and puppetry (which is where my focus lies).
• I am researching workshops and applying to apprenticeships that I can do on my vacation. 
• I am financially planning to be as debt free as possible (just a car and graduate school loans...no biggie) as well as add more to my savings. I am figuring out what opportunities I can capitalize on to make more money without it cutting too much into my limited studio time.
• I am communicating my plans and dreams (e.g. this blog) so I can keep my word on all of this.
• And yep...I even have a morning ritual that I'm mostly good at keeping because it centers me on all of this. 

I'm sure I'll say this again and again but the final piece I want to add in this entry is:
I have spent the last 10 years building up some great professional skills. This has led to a stable life and I currently have no prospect of marriage and children to compliment that. In some strange way, I feel that I've created it that way because certain dreams of mine haven't been resolved.

Unlike the post art school twenty-something, I have a toolkit of personal and professional skills and experiences that will help me advocate for myself and bring about great opportunities. None of my time has been wasted...it's only prepared me for this more! The only failure I'll experience in my life is not going for it. If I grow tired or crave the stable life after a while...there will still be a lot of stable job opportunities for me out there. Therefore in close, I'll share a quote I picked up at a retreat a few years ago. "Aw, what the fuck, go for it anyway."